| Suppose you suspect that someone is lying or | | | | lies, so you expect lying as a common occurrence |
| discover evidence of this. What do you do? The | | | | and thus less serious. |
| way to respond can vary, depending on the | | | | For instance, if you marry somebody who has |
| seriousness of the lie, your relationship with the | | | | been playing around and you think you're going to |
| person, whether you suspect or have hard | | | | rein them in but don't, their lying and cheating is |
| evidence, or what the consequences might be if | | | | part of an already established pattern, and it may |
| you confront the liar to show that you suspect | | | | have little emotional affect for them. By contrast, |
| the lie or know the truth. | | | | if you find someone who has just cheated for the |
| Suppose you have noticed a pattern of behavior | | | | first time, it could be a more serious thing, |
| that suggests lying, such as a change in a person's | | | | because usually there's an emotional connection |
| behavior or schedule. At first, you might believe | | | | with the lover that has caused the person to |
| the explanations, but if those changes in behavior | | | | stray. In the first case, it's more like the person is |
| continue, so you become increasingly suspicious, | | | | more likely to be playing the field without any |
| one possible response is to confront the | | | | emotional ties to their changing partners, because |
| suspected liar with your growing evidence of lying | | | | that's just the way they are. So some partners |
| and cheating. However, before you do so, | | | | learn to live with that, as long as their mate or |
| consider the possible consequences of confronting | | | | significant other is discrete. |
| the liar or exposing the lie. For example, doing so | | | | Each situation is different in affecting whether you |
| lead to guilty apologies and end the duplicity, or it | | | | confront the person about the lie, check out your |
| could lead the person who has been lying to take | | | | suspicions further, or look the other way. |
| more steps to better conceal the lie. Or the | | | | Gathering more evidence can sometimes be |
| ensuing fight after the confrontation could end the | | | | helpful, before you have a confrontation, since it |
| relationship. | | | | can give you time to decide what to do as well |
| Do you want to take the risk of such a | | | | as feel more solid if you do decide to have a |
| confrontation? Not everyone does, which is why | | | | confrontation, so your partner will be more apt to |
| people sometimes choose to not confront a | | | | acknowledge the lie rather than attempt another |
| suspected lie. They have their suspicions but are | | | | false explanation. For example, say someone |
| afraid of bringing what they suspect to the | | | | suspects a partner is walking out the door at odd |
| surface. They don't want to create uproar in their | | | | hours of the night for a secret tryst. He or she |
| relationship, so they don't say anything as long as | | | | may put a little thread across the lower part of |
| the suspected affair continues quietly and | | | | the door to see if it's broken in the morning. They |
| discreetly. This way they aren't humiliated or | | | | may also become more observant generally to |
| embarrassed by what's going on. They feel they | | | | see if their suspicions are confirmed, without |
| would rather preserve the relationship than endure | | | | letting their partner know that they're checking up |
| a separation, sometimes to protect any kids who | | | | on them. |
| are involved. | | | | However, you have to be careful to do any |
| Then, too, a person may not want to confront a | | | | checking discretely, because if discovered, such |
| suspected liar and cheater, because they hope | | | | checking can create other conflicts in the |
| they can do something to make things better to | | | | relationship, whether or not your suspicions are |
| improve their relationship. And sometimes such | | | | valid. For example, if you hire a private detective |
| actionst can make a big difference, because after | | | | or look in other people's journals, diaries, and |
| the glow of the honeymoon fades and the | | | | emails, you're breaching somebody's privacy, and |
| partners face a day-to-day ordinary reality, an | | | | if you're discovered, that can contribute to a |
| affair offers a chance to get away from that. So | | | | breakdown in the relationship, perhaps even more |
| often, the cheating has occurred not because the | | | | so than your partner's initial cheating. This situation |
| person doesn't love their partner anymore, but | | | | is much that where the parents look in their child's |
| because he or she loves the partner in a different | | | | journal, because they suspect their kid is doing |
| way, since the excitement of a new committed | | | | drugs. Well, maybe the kid is doing drugs, but the |
| relationships naturally starts to dissipate after | | | | discovery that one's privacy is invaded creates an |
| months or years of living together. So sometimes | | | | even more serious blow-up and rupture in the |
| the victim of cheating can find ways to make life | | | | relationship. |
| more exciting or bring back that early magic to | | | | Thus, in general, it is better not to engage in such |
| save the relationship - either after having a | | | | extreme breaches of privacy to gain evidence, |
| discussion about the cheating or without saying | | | | such as hiring someone to follow a suspected liar. |
| anything about it. | | | | Generally, a better way of bringing the lie to the |
| Yet, while improving the relationship can be one | | | | surface is to talk to the person in a |
| positive outcome of bringing the cheating into the | | | | non-confrontational way to encourage an |
| open, many times a confrontation forces the | | | | admission and discussion, rather than having a |
| cheater to chose between the partner and lover | | | | direct confrontation, which can lead the other |
| at a time when he or she is having the affair | | | | person to become defensive or attack back to |
| because he or she feels angry or trapped by the | | | | put the blame for any breakdown in the |
| partner, which could lead to a breakup the victim | | | | relationship on you. For example, if you tell |
| doesn't really want. On the other hand, once | | | | someone: "I've found these telephone records |
| confronted, the cheater might want to restore | | | | which show who you were really calling," you are |
| the love in the relationship, and sometimes | | | | coming on like a cop or prosecutor, so the other |
| forgiving is a way to do this, though often victims | | | | person gets defensive. By contrast, if you start |
| feel they can never forgive or accept the person | | | | the discussion in a general non-confrontational |
| back. | | | | way, you open the door to an honest and open |
| Still another response of some victims of cheating | | | | discussion. |
| is to feel he or she can do it, too, either secretly | | | | For instance, at breakfast or dinner, you might |
| or by an agreement to now have an open | | | | lead into a discussion by saying, "We haven't been |
| relationship. Sometimes having an open relationship | | | | talking a lot lately, and maybe we need to do |
| may work for some couples, which sometimes | | | | something to bring the magic back into our |
| starts after one partner discovers another | | | | relationship." It might even be best not to refer to |
| cheating, though some couples start off a | | | | your belief that your partner has been cheating |
| relationship with such an agreement. In either | | | | on you with somebody else. Or you might gently |
| case, the partners have an understanding that as | | | | let the other person acknowledge what's going on |
| long as the cheating is done discreetly, so no one | | | | by a probing question stated in a neutral way, |
| is embarrassed by a public revelation of an affair, | | | | such as: "I know things haven't been right |
| they will accept it for each other. Or as long as | | | | between us lately, but I'd like to try to work |
| any public revelation blows over, it can cease to | | | | things out. Is there something you'd like to tell |
| be a problem for the couple. | | | | me?" |
| Then, too, sometimes victims of lying and | | | | In short, if you want to bring the lie out into the |
| cheating delay a confrontation, since they feel the | | | | open, do so in a way where you're more |
| this behavior will go away by itself, and | | | | accepting and let your partner apologize and take |
| sometimes this does happen. Thus, sometimes, | | | | the lead and admitting what he or she wants to |
| letting things lie could be a better way in dealing | | | | admit. This way, even if you feel hurt or angry, |
| with a lie than trying to bring it out in the open. | | | | you take the expression of these emotions out |
| Then, the problem might simply just go away. | | | | of the interaction, so you can both more calmly |
| Yes, there has been a betrayal; but exposing the | | | | discuss what is wrong and what to do about it. |
| betrayal could be worse, and in those cases, it | | | | Thus, be open and receptive and create a safe |
| can be better to stay silent and let the problem | | | | space for the person to acknowledge the lie, |
| pass. | | | | without your immediately jumping on them and |
| Another big consideration is the personality of the | | | | accusing them of being a bad person. By being |
| person who is lying and the nature of your | | | | more accepting and forgiving, you encourage the |
| relationship with them. In PLAYING THE LYING | | | | person to come forward and clarify what's going |
| GAME, I have described what I call the "continuum | | | | on, and you set the stage for repairing the |
| of lying" where people vary in how honest they | | | | relationship. |
| are and the degree to which they tell lies about | | | | Then, once the truth is out in the open, it |
| different things. While some people tend to fall on | | | | depends on the relationship as to what happens |
| the low end of the scale, because they are usually | | | | after that. Even if the relationship doesn't survive, |
| honest, others with high scores tend lie frequently, | | | | you have more of an opportunity to come out |
| when they think it is in their best interest to lie. | | | | from it with some dignity and friendship with your |
| So that can affect how you respond if you catch | | | | partner, which can be especially important if you |
| your partner in a lie - whether the lie is out of | | | | have kids or have had a business relationship, |
| character, suggesting a more serious betrayal, or | | | | which might continue even though the personal |
| is part of a pattern of frequent exaggeration and | | | | relationship does not. |