| I sometimes get emails from spouses who have | | | | there is a way to be both be honest and to be |
| cheated asking for my advice as to what they | | | | gentle at the same time. If you hold back, your |
| should do after their affair to save the marriage | | | | spouse is going to suspect that you have |
| or to make things up to (or right with) their | | | | something to hide or that you don't respect or |
| spouse. I have strong opinions on this topic | | | | value them enough to just be honest. |
| because not only was I in the shoes of the | | | | Don't Impose Your Time Lines Or Perceptions |
| spouse who was cheated on, but I have a lot of | | | | Onto Them. They Have Their Own Reality: There |
| devastated folks who contact me looking for | | | | is no mistaking that you are going to need a lot |
| support in coping with infidelity. I don't say this to | | | | of patience in the coming days and weeks. You've |
| make anyone feel guilty or bad, I'm just telling | | | | given your spouse a lot of painful things to deal |
| you that I do tend to see things from the | | | | with and their navigating through it deserves all |
| perspective of those who have been cheated on, | | | | the time and patience that you can give them. I |
| and this does give me unique insight into what | | | | often have cheating spouses write to me and say |
| these folks often need to heal and to move on. I'll | | | | things like "how long is it going to take my wife to |
| share some of these things with you in the | | | | get over my cheating because I would've thought |
| following article. | | | | that she would've been better by now." My |
| If You Are The Cheating Partner, Know That Full | | | | answer is often something like "it will take as long |
| Disclosure And Honesty Are Absolutely Mandatory | | | | as it takes and you shouldn't and can't rush it." |
| From Here On Out: Do not ask your spouse for | | | | By becoming impatient with your spouse or trying |
| forgiveness or understanding about your cheating | | | | to put some arbitrary time frame on them, you |
| until you can be absolutely confident that you | | | | are over stepping your bounds. It was your |
| deserve it and are ready to receive it. What I | | | | decision that caused this hurt and it's your |
| mean by that is that you must clear in your own | | | | patience which must help them through this. They |
| head and in your own heart that you are | | | | will often need quite a lot of time to fully heal and |
| absolutely done with this affair and that you truly | | | | they may seem to be doing quite a bit better |
| want to save your marriage. This means cutting | | | | only to regress some more. This is absolutely |
| all ties with the other person and getting serious | | | | normal. You can help this process by offering |
| about changing your behavior. | | | | your patience and reassurance. It's normal for |
| It's so unfair to ask your spouse to have patience | | | | them to doubt that you still find them attractive |
| with you or to open their hearts to you when | | | | and valuable. Never ignore an opportunity to offer |
| you really only have half of your heart of half of | | | | your spouse genuine reassurance and affection. |
| your commitment level allotted for them. If you're | | | | They may well reject you sometimes, but these |
| not completely done with the other person and | | | | things do matter. They do let us know that |
| are not completely clear on the fact that you can | | | | you're trying and that you care and want to |
| and will be faithful to your spouse from today | | | | make this right. |
| forward, then don't toy with their emotions or | | | | Don't ever tell them that they are wrong or that |
| risk breaking their heart again. This process is too | | | | their acting this way is the perfect example of |
| painful to go through twice or to have to keep | | | | why you cheated. You must never ever blame |
| revisiting it over and over. | | | | them for your actions. It's pretty clear, even to |
| You must also know that restoring their trust is | | | | them, that there were issues in your marriage. |
| going to take a while. You can't expect them to | | | | They know this without your needing to bring it |
| just go on as if nothing has happened. You're | | | | up. However, cheating is not a reasonable answer |
| going to need to have patience and commit to | | | | and you must not pretend that it is. You should |
| being completely honest all of the time without | | | | take responsibility for your actions and should |
| any exceptions. Even small white lies or omissions | | | | never try to turn the blame onto them. Not only |
| will make them second guess you and will only | | | | is this not fair, it will cause a lot of resentment |
| delay the healing. Many people will try to withhold | | | | that is hard to undo. |
| the honesty for fear of hurting their spouse, but | | | | |