It’s bull

Hagmann P.I.
August 15, 2013

By Douglas J. Hagmann

– Satire

John Pistole, head of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), granted this writer an exclusive interview late yesterday to discuss the Obama clown mask incident at the Missouri State Fair that caused an uproar among the Progressive left. Speaking from his summer home in 1936 Germany, Pistole stated that the Obama clown mask incident serves as a perfect example that illustrates the need for TSA expansion to other venues beyond airports, and the reason the TSA specifically named rodeos as a venue of coverage in their recent announcement.

“Rodeos, they’re a breeding ground for domestic terrorists as defined by the DHS lexicon. The ‘land mines’ left by the unconditioned bovines are a clear and present danger to positive government sentiment,” said Pistole, who noted that some rodeo members compared the olfactory assault to Washington policies. “We can’t have that now, can we,” he asked rhetorically.

In this rare and unusually candid interview, Pistole told this author that “this incident would have never happened with TSA presence on site. As the American public knows, our only concern is their safety, and this clown was clearly a threat to fair-goers,” he stated. “Had the TSA been present, no Obama masks would have ever gotten through our security checkpoints. Our agents are highly trained to find latex and certain kinds of offensive plastic products, including any that might be secreted into private crevices to circumvent security. And because these items are able to conform to one’s body, they represent an even greater threat to the public,” said Pistole.  “This is the reason that the TSA screening procedure of the public must become even invasive and intrusive,” he emphasized. “It’s a matter of public safety.”

Asking what actions the TSA has taken in light of the bull at the fair, Pistole stated, “due to the outrage being exploited over this incident, I immediately ordered the TSA in Missouri to work with the FBI, CIA, FEMA, and PETA to place the clown, the announcer and even the bull in ‘Schutzhaft,’ err, I mean, protective custody. While in protective custody, the clown and fair announcer have been ordered to undergo reeducation training at the FEMA region III Reeducation Center for Crimes against the State.”

Almost as quickly as Pistole made that statement, he asked that it be removed from the record. In a moment of refreshing candor which has become a hallmark of this administration, Mr, Pistole confessed that he had just returned from Martha’s Vineyard, where he was copiously drinking VARBs, or the popular ‘power drink’ consisting of vodka and Red Bull, with ‘Barack, Valerie, and Janet.’ Chuckling, Pistole said, “hey, that’s ironic, isn’t it. I mean vodka and Red Bull, and we’re talking about…” his voice suddenly trailed off and was briefly silenced by the sound of ice cubes striking the bottom of an empty glass.

“The TSA needs to be proactive on this matter,” stated Pistole.  “I’ve also contacted Lois Lerner at home and instructed her to launch an aggressive and comprehensive tax audit of everyone involved in the fair, from the clown and the announcer to the bulls themselves.” When reminded that Ms. Lerner is on administrative leave from her position as head of the IRS tax exemption section for allegedly targeting all anti-Progressive groups, Pistole chuckled and said, “no matter, she’s still got ‘the juice’ at the agency.”

When asked if he has made any additional contacts with other agencies, Pistole enthusiastically responded, “you betcha!” “Because this became an internet video, I immediately thought of Susan Rice, who now holds the position of National Security Adviser to Prophet Obama,” stated Pistole. (Catching his faux pas, he corrected himself and said, “I mean President Obama”). “Now she knows how to manage controversies surrounding internet videos,” Pistole blurted.

“I’ve asked Ms. Rice, the Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs, to investigate this matter as a possible act of treason, and as a criminal attack on the office of the President and the homeland.” Mr. Pistole further stated that the Patriot Act, the NDAA and other laws passed by the government or implemented by executive order give the Department of Homeland Security carte blanche to operate without judicial review. “I’ve talked to John, too, about this,” (a reference to John Brennan, CIA Director). He has a special disdain for clowns, especially those defaming the office of the president. And he’s got quite a knack with obscure internet videos I’m told,” added Pistole.

Pistole also stated that he would “toss the names of all involved into the hat for consideration on ‘terrorist Tuesdays,’” a reference to the Oval Office Star Chamber drone lottery program. Pistole added that all rodeo attendees are being urged to be treated for post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, as the sight of a clown in the Obama mask being chased by a bull must have certainly caused mental trauma and ‘confusion.’” Asked about the reference to confusion, Pistole stated that the people are accustomed to seeing Obama and his ‘regime of royalty’ pushing the bull, not running from it.”

When asked about the disposition of the offending bull, Pistole stated that he is scheduled for medical castration under a little known pilot program of the Affordable Care Act. “It’s in the bill, didn’t you read it?” After taking another swig of his Red Bull and vodka, Pistole snickered and stated “rumor has it that the parts removed will be placed on a shelf in Valerie Jarrett’s office, right next to the ‘Presidential jewels’ Jarrett snagged in 2008.”

It’s bull.

HAGMANN P.I. (Doug Hagmann)
Private Investigator for over 35 years. TV Host, Radio Host and Author.

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